September is Finally Over

This month is totally a BLAST... Whew! I never imagine that september is soon to be over.Finally! This month is really a roller coaster ride for me. I've had a couple of sleepless nights and weird dreams that totally made me insane. And evertime I looked at the mirror, I saw a very hideous girl hiding beyond a mask of loneliness and insanity. Crap! I'm sick! Inside and out. Physically, emotionally and even mentally I guess!

The first week of this month sucks! I have to lie to everybody that I'm still doing great but the truth is, I'm really not. Its hard for me to hide all the unnecessary stuff that I'm in by that time just for the sake of others. But then, after trying hard I finally broke down and realize that things will be easier if I already tell the truth. But the truth still haven't set me free yet...

The second week disturbed my conscious mind and soul after making an encounter with a monster. Yeah... a monster. I thought I was in a cloud nine but I finally realizes that I was about entering the gate of hell. I was caught by the monster's trap, but fortunately, I escaped. Maybe he forgot that I am still the evil girl he used to know. Evil and bad.

In the last few days of this month, finally I've come up with a decision. First, to stay focus on my plans. I should not rely on my emotions, myths or anything stupid. Second, maybe I should avoid trusting people too much. Third, I should need to avoid using my damn cellphone, it only triggers me to commit sinful acts. Fourth, there is no time for any romantic activities this time. Fifth, I just have to think in a positive way.

Gee! Its like I writing a new years resolution here. But just like what I've read, you should write all your thoughts as well as your plans and things you want to achieve because it really helps a lot. Well, I guess so.

September is finally over...Sigh...

Song of the Moment

So What by PINK

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na Na

I guess i just lost my husband

I don't know where he went

So i'm gonna drink my money

I'm not gonna pay his rent (Nope)

I got a brand new attitude

And i'm gonna wear it tonight

I wanna get in trouble

I wanna start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

I wanna start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

I wanna start a fight

So so what?

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't need you

And guess what

I'm having more fun

And now that we're done

I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine

And you're a tool

So so what?

I am a rockstar

I got my rock moves

And i don't want you tonight

Uh, check my flow, uh

The waiter just took my table

And gave to Jessica Simp- Shit!

I guess i'll go sit with drum boy

At least he'll know how to hit

What if this song's on the radio

Then somebody's gonna die

I'm gonna get in trouble

My ex will start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

He's gonna start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

We're all gonna get in a fight!

So so what?

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't need you

And guess what

I'm having more fun

And now that we're done

I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine

And you're a tool

So so what?

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't want you tonight

You weren't there

You never were

You weren't all

But thats not fair

I gave you life

I gave my all

You weren't there

You let me fall

So so what?

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't need you

And guess what

I'm having more fun

And now that we're done (we're done)

I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright(I'm alright),

I'm just fine (I'm just fine)

And you're a tool

So so what?

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't want you tonight

No No, No No

I Don't want you tonight

You weren't there

I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright,

I'm just fine

And you're a tool

So so what?

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't want you tonight

Ba da da da da da

Gotta be Out!

The series of bad dreams I had this week just blew me up. I know that there is something that is going to happen. I knew it! Crap! Sometimes I just have to rely on my own instincts. These dreams really bothers me evrytime I wake up. I am the type of person who donot have good memories about things especially dreams but once I remember something,.. it will definitely penetrate my inner being up to an unknown depth. And when it happens, it will annoy me for the rest of my life. I will get screw up. That thing will maintain its place inside my mind as it manage to affect every thing at the moment.

Crap! I gotta get out of this creepiness that I've been into lately.

Grabe!
Litong na talaga ako!
hays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hindi ko alam kung anung uunahin.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta.
Hindi ko alam kung anung gagawin.
Tae naman e!
Bakit ba kung kelan inaakala kong ok na.
Saka naman hindi ok.

Ang Nawawalang Tadyang

Kagabi, habang ako'y inip na inip dahil sa haba ng gabi. Nagawa kong naitext ang isang kaibigan. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman sya talaga gusto katext kaya lang e,...talagang dumarating ang pagkakataong "no choice" ka at para lang lumipas ang oras ay kailangan mong makipagbolahan, plastikan o kung ano pa man sa isang tao. Ok,... masama na ko! Isa na akong dakilang manggagamit.


Habang katext ko sya, napunta ang usapan sa pakikipagrelasyon ng hindi sinasadya. Sa dami ba naman ng taong mapapagsabihan ko ng sitwasyon ko e sa kanya pa. Pakiramdam ko tuloy e desperada na akong may mahingian ng opinyon. Hindi ko naman nagawang ikwento sa kanya ang lahat, medyo nagbigay lang ako ng clue. hehehe, Salbahe talaga e!

Pero natuwa naman ako sa opinyon nya. Eto ang sinabi nya...

"Nasasaad sa bibliya na tungkulin ng mga babae na gumawa ng unang hakbang. Bahagi ng kanyang tungkulin ang hanapin ang nagmamay ari ng tadyang kung saan siya nagmula. Kaya ang masasabi ko lang, dapat gumawa ka rin ng paraan."


Napaisip ako, at nasabi ko sa sarili ko na may opinyon rin pala ang mokong na 'yon. Pero, bakit ko naman hahanapin ang tadyang kung saan ako nagmula? E bakit hindi yung may may ari ng tadyang ang maghanap sa tadyang nya? Sa madaling salita, hindi ako ang unang gagawa o kikilos para sa sitwasyon na 'to. Aba! malay ko kung kaya pala ako inalis sa katawan na yon dahil ibang tadyang ang mas aangkop?

Lecheng tadyang! Bakit naman kasi dito pa ko ikinumpara ng engot na yun! Hay... Matapos ng matagal kung pag mumuni muni. Mas minabuting kong I-ENJOY na lamang ang sitwasyong kinalalagyan ko sa ngayon. At bakit ba ako kelangang mag alala? Bakit ko ba kelangang isipin yon? Kung wala e di wala! Wala e. Isa sa mga bagay na natutunan ko e ang huwag nang ipagpilitan ang mga bagay bagay na hindi talaga nararapat. Kaya nga may kasabihan, kung hindi uukol, hindi bubukol. Minsan kahit wala ka pang ginagawa, kapag sayo talaga, sayo talaga.


Hindi ko kelangang mabahala.


Pinilit ko na rin matulog noon dahil malalim na ang gabi. Ang totoo, umaga na. Hay! Umaga na naman, sisikat na naman ang araw. Shit!

clutter everywhere

My bed. I really love these sheets. Kinda summer thingy. And ofcourse my teddy... I love this particular teddy, his always with me during bedtime. hugsss......

This is suppose to be my working table. So, as you can see, how can I suppose to work my things beyond this mess. hehehe...

This is my younger brother contibuting more clutter inside my room. See? An enough evidence that he's the one messing in my own space. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

This is what you called the War of Wires. Tangles are everywhere in this computer table. How can I manage to use the mouse and where the hell is the mouse pad? Gee... good thing I had a laptop. LOL!!!

family matters

After a day of staying in Manila, finally I am back again in our home in Laguna. Whew! The weather here isnt that fine. It's been raining all day. This afternoon, mom and I went to church to attend the mass. One of the usual thing that we do when I used to be a government employee in our place. I really prefer to hear the mass in the afternoon during weekdays. The less crowd, the more solemn it is for me to utter my petition. We bought flowers for my grandma. I always offer flowers for her, as requested. Hehehe,.. I still remember how she ask for some flowers to me in my dreams. I miss my grandma a lot, and I know mom is missing her too very much.

Rightnow, my family is facing a serious problem. I know that for a fact, eventhough mom didn't say anything about it. She's been having a sleepless night for the past few weeks. I guess its about time to do part. I told her my plans, although she's afraid about me, about the things that I'm gonna do. She cannot argue anymore because I think its the solution.

My sister can no longer provide for us this time. She's already having a hard time their in another country. Mom wants to go back to work, that only means, she will leave us again. Her work is also based abroad. But I insisted. I told her that I'm the one that should go. She should just look after my younger brother who is still in highschool. I have to do this this time. I have to do part. Honestly, I am her eldest daughter.

Here's the story, that sister of mine that I have known for 24 years is just my cousin. Her real mother is my mom's older sibling. She's a result of an early marriage. By that time, my mom is still going to college but already earning from her work. She took the responsibility of taking care of that kid which happens to be my sister now. When my dad marry my mom, he also accepted my sister and treated her as his own. So, by the time I came to the earth, I already had a sister. Unfortunately, my younger brother is the only person in the entire family who didn't know this. But who else cares? We're still related by blood, and she is still my sister. I was very fortunate to have her. Imagine, she took the all responsiblity and play the role that I should be portraying.

That's why I think is about time to do my part. I hope my plans will work out. I hope I am heading in the right direction. I'm just about to begin my journey. I'm just about to take few steps. Am I ready? I think so...

misinterpretations...

Hindi dahil kinaibigan ka, liligawan ka na.

Not every guy who befriends you has an ulterior motive. Get over yourself. Don't flatter yourself. There is a reason why he befriended you, but don'tautomatically assume that it's because he wants to beyour so-called boyfriend. If this will be the principle you'll follow every time someone asks you to be hisfriend, you're gonna miss a great deal from the friendship.

Hindi dahil mabait sa iyo, nililigawan ka na.

There are people who are naturally sweet and kind. There are people who are innately good and no matterhow wicked you seem, they just find it so easy to be kind to you. It doesn't mean he is courting you. Don't put yourself through unnecessary stress trying to figure out if he's courting you or not. Because I think if he is, you won't have to guess, you'll know and you'll be very certain about it.

Hindi dahil he talks to you a lot, he loves you na.

You don't befriend a person if you absolutely abhor him, right? Chances are you make sense when he talks to you, or you're probably very patient listening to him. The two of you probably connect on some level but why does it always have to be assumed to be romantic? Being two intelligent, mature human beings, you need to accept that it's nice to share a cup of coffee over a stimulating conversation, and that you don't have to automatically put romanticconnotation to it. Relieve yourself of the pressure. It'sjust coffee and a shared interest.

Hindi dahil you hang out with each other most ofthe time, you'd end up being boyfriend-girlfriend.

Self-explanatory... There are a thousand, no million different reasons why things don't always turn out that way. There is no one proven formula. For all we know, the reason why he likes hanging out with you is because he likes getting kikay tips from you.He probably plans on being kikay himself and he needs a mentor.A dinner with a guy friend does not necessarilymean equate to a date. Especially if you're paying for your share no. Hello? Three things to consider: the place, the topic and how the two of you actually planned to meet. First, how it was planned. If it were a date expect that he would ask you out at least three days before the actual date to give you some lead time, to give you the notion that you are not just a filler on his schedule. Second, the place. If it were a real date, the both of you would want real food and a place where you could really talk things through. Don't go out with a guy to a movie on Friday night if you're really serious about him. Going to a movie is more like treating him like a "filler" just because you had nothing to do on a Friday night so you might as well go out. Topic. Ha! You wouldn't be talking about chikang artista, chikang opisina or argue if the one girl's boobs are real or not. You would be probably talking about sensible, quite personal stuff.I therefore conclude that platonic relationships are never complicated; people just have tendencies to complicate them.

Sigh....

After all the things that happened to me in the previous weeks. Rightnow, I'm kinda having this little confusion through my head. I'm beginning to be bothered about the recent situation I'm getting into lately. Why? It's because I think things will start to be complicated sooner or later and I think if things will continue this way I'm going to messed up again.

Sigh.....

There are several questions that's hanging beyond my mind. First, what is my priority in life? What are the things that will satisfy me? As of now, believe me, I still can't answer these fucking questions. Maybe because I really don't know what I want. I don't know what will make me happy. Gee! I know I am not getting any younger anymore and I have to set goal as early as possible. Actually, I have a lot of dreams, there's so many things that I wanted to do. But the thing is, I really don't where to start. I am such a loser I guess.

Sigh.....

Second thing that bothers me is facing the fact that somehow I need someone who I can spend my life with. This thing really sucks! Awww! All I really wanted is to have a serious relationship this time. Something that is stable and the one that I know will lead to a lifetime commitment. Unfortunately, after several years of striving with my previous one, I found having a relationship a very stressful thingy. However, right now, as in right in this moment, my mind and heart is arguing about this matter. Am I ready to be commited again? Am I ready to face such circumstances again of having a relationship? Am I gonna give my trust again? I am really very much afraid of entering a relationship because I am scared of being in that situation again wherein you're into so much pain. Hmmm, but what shall I do? I think I'm starting to fall again?

Sigh...

Yikes! I think I liked him but I can't really express it so well. I'm into denial at this moment. I've been hiding my feelings, I 've been hiding my thoughts. Crap! And what if he's the one? What if he gets tired? What if he thinks that he doesn't matter at all? What ifs? What ifs? And a lot of what ifs? I'm starting to worry too much again on things. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.... I'm starting to hate myself.

Sigh.....

Now what? Huh,,,everything's empty at the moment. Maybe I need to take a break.



Sigh....

Ang Huling Halakhak, Ako ang Nagwagi...

2 days na akong narito sa bahay namin sa Laguna. Medyo nagrerelax, nagpapalamig, nagmumuni-muni at nag-iipon uli ng lakas ng loob. Dahil na rin sa mga hindi masyadong magandang pangyayari noong nasa Manila ako, madalas akong tahimik at nagmumukmok. Natural lang yon, feeling talunan actually. Pero kahapon, nakakita ako ng konting liwanag sa kabila ng kadiliman dahil sa sama ng panahon.

Ewan ko ba? Ang weird lang, pero kahit papaano e medyo nabuhayan ako ng konti. Tungkol ba saan ang pinagsasasabi ko ngayon? Hmm, ganito yon, sabihin na lang natin na sa mga pagkaktaong nalulungkot tayo at para tayong binagsakan ng langit at lupa, hindi dapat tayo magpalunod sa problema at mawalan ng pag asa.

Kahapon kasi ng umaga, meron akong natanggap na balita. At pakiramdam ko nung mga oras na yon ay pwede ko nang sabihin sa lahat na AKIN ANG HULING HALAKHAK!!! ( sabay tawa nang isang demonyo...) BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag at bahagyang nagbalik muli ang mga ngiti sa aking mga labi. Naisip ko na kahit may nawala sa akin at naging masakit ito, meron naman palang magandang kapalit. Shit! Kung talagang 'yon ang kapalit, aba! e ok na ok. As in OK sa ALRIGHT.

Matapos ng aking isang minutong kabaliwan at pag diriwang. Kinalma ko ng bahagya ang aking sarili at pinag aralan ang sitwasyon. Hmm, marahil hindi pa ito ang panahon para sa aking huling halakhak. Masyado pang maaga upang magdiwang. Pero kahit papaano, basta...

Ang Pagbabalik Kay Ina

Dahil sa labis kong dinaramdam, hindi na muling kinaya ng aking sistema ang lahat. Heto ako ngayon at mukhang lantang gulay na naman. Umiinit na ang aking likuran sa labis na paghiga sa aking kama kaya’t naisipan kong bumagon at gumawa ng bagay na hindi rin naman gaanong kapakipakinabang. Maraming bagay muli ang naglalaro sa aking isip.Kung kaya’t naisipang kong isulat na ang lahat ng ito bago pa ako atakihin ng aking pagkalimot.

Magdadalawang linggo na muli nang mangyari ang hindi kaaya ayang pangyayari sa aking buhay. Alam kong hindi pa tapos ang lahat at nagsisimula pa lamang akong muli sa aking pagbangon. Pero, bahagya na akong nabunutan ng tinik sa aking dibdib ng ipagtapat ko na sa aking ina ang totoong sitwasyong kinasasangkutan ko. At syempre, dahil sa ako ang paboritong anak ng aking ina. Balewala lang yon. Naks! Hehehe. Alam na nyang may dinaramdam ako, hinihintay nya lang ang aking pagtatapat. Ang totoo nyan ay sa simula pa lang ay sasabihin ko na iyon sa kanya, pero para akong pinipigilan ng pagkakaton. Alam kong may problema pa sya noon kay ate. Mas matindi naman yon kaya hindi na ako nakisabay pa. Alam ko namang malulusutan ko rin ang isang ito. Nung ikalawang pagkakataong nais ko nang magtapat, ang kapatid ko namang bunso ang umeksena. Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit inabot pa ng ganung katagal bago ko sabihin ang totoo sa kanya.

Minsan, hindi ko na alam kung paano ko masusuklian ang pagmamahal sa amin ng nanay ko. Sa dami nang pinagdaanan nya at tiniis para sa amin. Pero katulad ng sitwasyong ito kung saan lahat kaming tatlo ay sunod sunod na nagkaroon ng problema. Hindi ko alam kung saan pa sya humihingi ng lakas ng loob para sa amin. Wala na si lola para hingian nya ng payo, pati na rin ang tatay ko. Alam kong mas mahirap ang sitwasyon nya kesa sa aming mga anak nya, pero kelangan nyang maging matapang para sa amin.

Pinilit kong maging matapang. Pinilit kong maging matatag. Pinilit kong kayanin at tiisin ang lahat. Pero kahapon, sumuko din ako at hindi ko na kinaya. Hindi lang ang kalooban ko ang bumigay, maging ang katawan at isip ko na rin. At eto na nga, bumalik ako sa aking ina at tinanggap nya ako uli.

Kagabi, halos hindi ako makatulog. Iniisip ko pa rin ang mga problema ko, dahil hindi pa naman ito tapos. Pansamantalang tinakasan ko lang ang mga ito habang nagpapagaling ako.Parang mahahati na ang ulo ko sa sakit. Ang masama pa nito, lumalala ang sikmura ko kapag may ganitong pangyayari. Hindi ko nga maintindihan kung bakit parang lahat na lang ay masakit sa akin kagabi. Maaga akong nahiga at nagpahinga, pero hindi pa rin matahimik ang aking kaluluwa. Nais ko sanang bumagon at tumabi sa nanay ko, pero wala na rin akong lakas para tumayo. Alam kong napuntahan na nya ako sa kwarto dahil napatay na nya ang mga ilaw.

Sa inaakala kong kaya ko na ang lahat, pwes… nagkakamali pa rin ako. Dahil mahina pa rin pala ako. Sa edad kong ito ay kinailangan ko pa rin ang nanay ko. At napakaswerte ko naman dahil palagi pa rin syang nariyan para sa akin. Habang sinusulat ko ito ay nagluluto sya ng pagkain para sa akin. Nagpaluto ako ng sopas.Dahil pakiramdam ko e sabaw lang ang gusto at kaya nang hudas kong sikmura.Gusto nya akong magpunta sa doktor ngayon, pero ayokong munang marinig ang sermon ng doktor ko sa akin sa mga ganitong pagkakataon.

the silver screen

Jelly Beans

KWENTONG JELLY BEANS by noringai

Hindi ako mahilig sa jelly beans. Pero nung dumating yung jelly beans galing sa sister ng roommate ko, naintriga ako. Isang malaking garapon ng jelly beans na siguro ay mga 1000 ang laman at may 49 flavors. Hinanap ko agad yung chocolate pudding na flavor na nakalagay sa listahan. Lahat ng kulay brown, kinuha ko. Pero hindi chocolate ang lasa ng mga jelly beans na kinain ko. May coffee, may plum, may licorice, may rootbeer… ngunit walang chocolate. Sa kakahanap ng chocolate flavor, hindi ko napapansin ang ibang 48 flavors na nasa garapon. At na-realize ko, ikaw ang the elusive chocolate pudding flavor na jelly bean sa buhay ko.

Na-obsessed ako sa lahat ng kulay brown na jelly beans. Iyong roommate ko, na-explore na yung ibang flavor. May bubble gum flavor, may piñcolada, may peanut butter, may sizzling cinnamon, may caramel popcorn. Lahat yun, nasarapan sya. Ako, hindi ko pinapansin ang ibang jelly beans. Naka-tuon ang pansin ko sa brown jelly beans.

Parang ikaw. Sa kakahabol sa iyo, hindi ko na napansin ang ibang lalake sa paligid ko. Masyado akong naka-focus sa yo, kaya napapalampas ko na ang mga matitinong lalake na nagbibigay interes sa akin. Parang yung ibang flavors ng jelly beans na hindi ko natikman dahil ang gusto ko talaga eh yung chocolate pudding. Iyong roommate ko, natikman na nya ang chocolate pudding na jelly bean. Ang swerte naman niya, natikman nya agad ang flavor na gusto ko. Hindi niya hinahangad, yun pa ang napunta sa kanya. Sabi niya, hindi naman daw masarap ung chocolate pudding na jelly bean.

Ordinaryo lang ang lasa. Hindi tulad nung mga favorite nyang flavor. Pinatikim nya sa akin yung toasted marshmallow saka ung strawberry cheesecake, masarap naman. Pero, yung chocolate pudding talaga gusto ko eh. Ganon yata talaga yun. Mas gusto natin yung hindi natin nakukuha.

Nung finally natikman ko ang chocolate pudding na jelly bean, napasigaw ako. At last, nakuha ko rin ang gusto ko. Pero, nung ninamnam ko ang lasa, hindi nga sya masarap. Hindi sya ganun ka fabulous. Parang ordinaryong chocolate lang na pinalambot. Pero ang saya nung feeling na finally, nakuha ko rin yun. Matapos akong mapurga sa licorice at root beer flavors.

Hindi ko pa natitikman ang lahat ng 49 flavors na jelly beans sa garapon. Nangangalahati na ang laman pero chocolate pa rin ang hinahanap ko kapag binubuksan ko ang takip. Fixated pa rin ako sa mga kulay brown na beans, kahit na mas appealing ang pink, violet at blue. Madalas, ibang flavor na nakukuha ko pero kapag sinuswerte, nahahagilap ko rin ang chocolate pudding.

Oo, hindi worth the aggravation ang paghahanap sa chocolate pudding. Hindi worth ang paghahabol ko sa yo. Ordinaryo ka lang naman. Marami pang hihigit sa yo. May mga blueberry o cotton candy o strawberry daiquiri flavors na lalake sa paligid ko pero hindi ko pinapansin. Pero bakit kapag kakain ako ng jelly bans, chocolate pudding pa rin ang hinahanap ko? Bakit kahit na marami naman lalake dyan, ikaw pa rin ang gusto ko?

Hay, siguro dahil sa nakasanayan ko na...