Sigh....

After all the things that happened to me in the previous weeks. Rightnow, I'm kinda having this little confusion through my head. I'm beginning to be bothered about the recent situation I'm getting into lately. Why? It's because I think things will start to be complicated sooner or later and I think if things will continue this way I'm going to messed up again.

Sigh.....

There are several questions that's hanging beyond my mind. First, what is my priority in life? What are the things that will satisfy me? As of now, believe me, I still can't answer these fucking questions. Maybe because I really don't know what I want. I don't know what will make me happy. Gee! I know I am not getting any younger anymore and I have to set goal as early as possible. Actually, I have a lot of dreams, there's so many things that I wanted to do. But the thing is, I really don't where to start. I am such a loser I guess.

Sigh.....

Second thing that bothers me is facing the fact that somehow I need someone who I can spend my life with. This thing really sucks! Awww! All I really wanted is to have a serious relationship this time. Something that is stable and the one that I know will lead to a lifetime commitment. Unfortunately, after several years of striving with my previous one, I found having a relationship a very stressful thingy. However, right now, as in right in this moment, my mind and heart is arguing about this matter. Am I ready to be commited again? Am I ready to face such circumstances again of having a relationship? Am I gonna give my trust again? I am really very much afraid of entering a relationship because I am scared of being in that situation again wherein you're into so much pain. Hmmm, but what shall I do? I think I'm starting to fall again?

Sigh...

Yikes! I think I liked him but I can't really express it so well. I'm into denial at this moment. I've been hiding my feelings, I 've been hiding my thoughts. Crap! And what if he's the one? What if he gets tired? What if he thinks that he doesn't matter at all? What ifs? What ifs? And a lot of what ifs? I'm starting to worry too much again on things. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.... I'm starting to hate myself.

Sigh.....

Now what? Huh,,,everything's empty at the moment. Maybe I need to take a break.



Sigh....

EWAN

Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon, ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na tanungin sya uli... Natatakot ako at kinakabahan. Pero talagang kailangan ko nang malaman. Para bang kaharap ko si Kris Aquino at tinatanong nya ako if it is DEAL or NO DEAL. Hay..... Syempre, deal na ito. Nanginginig na ang boses ko at nahalata naman nya agad 'yon. Shit! Emote na 'to. Pero DEAL na ang napili ko kaya tinanong ko na sya. Iniisip ko ang isasagot nya. Nakahanda ang tenga kong marinig ang salitang HINDI. Hanggang sa sinabi nya na "EWAN". Ano? EWAN?!!!?!!! Di ko alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa o maging kalmado lang sa salita nya. Hay! Teya... Cool ka lang... Relax... Pero ano nga ba ang ibig nyang sabihin sa EWAN.?!?!


EWAN...

-sagot ng mga hindi sigurado.
-sagot ng mga nag-aalinlangan.
-sagot ng nagkukunyaring may alam.
-sagot ng mga "playsafe".
-sagot na neutral lang.


Inakala kong mas malilinawan ako. Pero, mas lalo lang gumulo. Anak ng tofu! Lalo lang nyang ginawang KOMPLIKADO ang buhay kong complicated. (hehehe) Ang totoo, napaiyak na talaga ako. Masakit kasi. OUCH talaga! Hirap na rin syang magpaliwanag para tumahan ako. Kung may magagawa lang ba sya. Hindi na sana nangyari pa 'yon.

Hindi ko na matandaan ang sumunod na nangyari. Nakita ko ang sarili kong nakahiga sa kama. (ooopss! sa kama ko po at nakadamit ako no?) Malalim ang iniisip. Tatlong taon na mula nung nagkakilala kami. At hanggang ngayon, iisa lang ang problema namin. Bakit ba ganon? Wala kaming magawa dito. Sya ang unang lalakeng minahal ko at mahal pa hanggang ngayon. Ako, ako ang babaeng hindi nya makalimutan sa buong buhay nya. Kahit na ilang beses naming putulin ang mga bagay na nag-uugnay sa amin. Pilit pa rin kaming pinagtatagpo. Pinagtatagpo,. para paghiwalayin. Ang hindi ko maintindihan, bakit ba kailangan pang mangyari ang mga bagay na yon? Nasasaktan lang lalo ang isa't isa.

Mukhang tama sya. EWAN nga. Dahil kahit ako, hindi ko alam kung ano ang kahihinatnan ng buhay naming dalawa. Minsan, gusto ko na ring tanggaping hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa. Siguro nga. Nanghihina pa ako sa nangyari. Kanina lang yon.

EWAN ko, . hindi ko alam,. bukas.,. sa isang araw,.,kung magkikita pa ba kami at magkakasama uli. EWAN ko kung kelan ko sya makakalimutan. EWAN ko kung kelan sya magkakameron ng lakas ng loob. EWAN ko... )-;