Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts

19 September 2008

family matters

After a day of staying in Manila, finally I am back again in our home in Laguna. Whew! The weather here isnt that fine. It's been raining all day. This afternoon, mom and I went to church to attend the mass. One of the usual thing that we do when I used to be a government employee in our place. I really prefer to hear the mass in the afternoon during weekdays. The less crowd, the more solemn it is for me to utter my petition. We bought flowers for my grandma. I always offer flowers for her, as requested. Hehehe,.. I still remember how she ask for some flowers to me in my dreams. I miss my grandma a lot, and I know mom is missing her too very much.
Rightnow, my family is facing a serious problem. I know that for a fact, eventhough mom didn't say anything about it. She's been having a sleepless night for the past few weeks. I guess its about time to do part. I told her my plans, although she's afraid about me, about the things that I'm gonna do. She cannot argue anymore because I think its the solution.
My sister can no longer provide for us this time. She's already having a hard time their in another country. Mom wants to go back to work, that only means, she will leave us again. Her work is also based abroad. But I insisted. I told her that I'm the one that should go. She should just look after my younger brother who is still in highschool. I have to do this this time. I have to do part. Honestly, I am her eldest daughter.
Here's the story, that sister of mine that I have known for 24 years is just my cousin. Her real mother is my mom's older sibling. She's a result of an early marriage. By that time, my mom is still going to college but already earning from her work. She took the responsibility of taking care of that kid which happens to be my sister now. When my dad marry my mom, he also accepted my sister and treated her as his own. So, by the time I came to the earth, I already had a sister. Unfortunately, my younger brother is the only person in the entire family who didn't know this. But who else cares? We're still related by blood, and she is still my sister. I was very fortunate to have her. Imagine, she took the all responsiblity and play the role that I should be portraying.
That's why I think is about time to do my part. I hope my plans will work out. I hope I am heading in the right direction. I'm just about to begin my journey. I'm just about to take few steps. Am I ready? I think so...




15 September 2008

Sigh....



After all the things that happened to me in the previous weeks. Rightnow, I'm kinda having this little confusion through my head. I'm beginning to be bothered about the recent situation I'm getting into lately. Why? It's because I think things will start to be complicated sooner or later and I think if things will continue this way I'm going to messed up again.


Sigh.....



There are several questions that's hanging beyond my mind. First, what is my priority in life? What are the things that will satisfy me? As of now, believe me, I still can't answer these fucking questions. Maybe because I really don't know what I want. I don't know what will make me happy. Gee! I know I am not getting any younger anymore and I have to set goal as early as possible. Actually, I have a lot of dreams, there's so many things that I wanted to do. But the thing is, I really don't where to start. I am such a loser I guess.



Sigh.....



Second thing that bothers me is facing the fact that somehow I need someone who I can spend my life with. This thing really sucks! Awww! All I really wanted is to have a serious relationship this time. Something that is stable and the one that I know will lead to a lifetime commitment. Unfortunately, after several years of striving with my previous one, I found having a relationship a very stressful thingy. However, right now, as in right in this moment, my mind and heart is arguing about this matter. Am I ready to be commited again? Am I ready to face such circumstances again of having a relationship? Am I gonna give my trust again? I am really very much afraid of entering a relationship because I am scared of being in that situation again wherein you're into so much pain. Hmmm, but what shall I do? I think I'm starting to fall again?



Sigh...



Yikes! I think I liked him but I can't really express it so well. I'm into denial at this moment. I've been hiding my feelings, I 've been hiding my thoughts. Crap! And what if he's the one? What if he gets tired? What if he thinks that he doesn't matter at all? What ifs? What ifs? And a lot of what ifs? I'm starting to worry too much again on things. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.... I'm starting to hate myself.



Sigh.....



Now what? Huh,,,everything's empty at the moment. Maybe I need to take a break.



Sigh....