September is Finally Over

This month is totally a BLAST... Whew! I never imagine that september is soon to be over.Finally! This month is really a roller coaster ride for me. I've had a couple of sleepless nights and weird dreams that totally made me insane. And evertime I looked at the mirror, I saw a very hideous girl hiding beyond a mask of loneliness and insanity. Crap! I'm sick! Inside and out. Physically, emotionally and even mentally I guess!

The first week of this month sucks! I have to lie to everybody that I'm still doing great but the truth is, I'm really not. Its hard for me to hide all the unnecessary stuff that I'm in by that time just for the sake of others. But then, after trying hard I finally broke down and realize that things will be easier if I already tell the truth. But the truth still haven't set me free yet...

The second week disturbed my conscious mind and soul after making an encounter with a monster. Yeah... a monster. I thought I was in a cloud nine but I finally realizes that I was about entering the gate of hell. I was caught by the monster's trap, but fortunately, I escaped. Maybe he forgot that I am still the evil girl he used to know. Evil and bad.

In the last few days of this month, finally I've come up with a decision. First, to stay focus on my plans. I should not rely on my emotions, myths or anything stupid. Second, maybe I should avoid trusting people too much. Third, I should need to avoid using my damn cellphone, it only triggers me to commit sinful acts. Fourth, there is no time for any romantic activities this time. Fifth, I just have to think in a positive way.

Gee! Its like I writing a new years resolution here. But just like what I've read, you should write all your thoughts as well as your plans and things you want to achieve because it really helps a lot. Well, I guess so.

September is finally over...Sigh...

Song of the Moment

So What by PINK

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na Na

I guess i just lost my husband

I don't know where he went

So i'm gonna drink my money

I'm not gonna pay his rent (Nope)

I got a brand new attitude

And i'm gonna wear it tonight

I wanna get in trouble

I wanna start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

I wanna start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

I wanna start a fight

So so what?

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't need you

And guess what

I'm having more fun

And now that we're done

I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine

And you're a tool

So so what?

I am a rockstar

I got my rock moves

And i don't want you tonight

Uh, check my flow, uh

The waiter just took my table

And gave to Jessica Simp- Shit!

I guess i'll go sit with drum boy

At least he'll know how to hit

What if this song's on the radio

Then somebody's gonna die

I'm gonna get in trouble

My ex will start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

He's gonna start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

We're all gonna get in a fight!

So so what?

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't need you

And guess what

I'm having more fun

And now that we're done

I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine

And you're a tool

So so what?

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't want you tonight

You weren't there

You never were

You weren't all

But thats not fair

I gave you life

I gave my all

You weren't there

You let me fall

So so what?

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't need you

And guess what

I'm having more fun

And now that we're done (we're done)

I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright(I'm alright),

I'm just fine (I'm just fine)

And you're a tool

So so what?

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't want you tonight

No No, No No

I Don't want you tonight

You weren't there

I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright,

I'm just fine

And you're a tool

So so what?

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And i don't want you tonight

Ba da da da da da

Gotta be Out!

The series of bad dreams I had this week just blew me up. I know that there is something that is going to happen. I knew it! Crap! Sometimes I just have to rely on my own instincts. These dreams really bothers me evrytime I wake up. I am the type of person who donot have good memories about things especially dreams but once I remember something,.. it will definitely penetrate my inner being up to an unknown depth. And when it happens, it will annoy me for the rest of my life. I will get screw up. That thing will maintain its place inside my mind as it manage to affect every thing at the moment.

Crap! I gotta get out of this creepiness that I've been into lately.

Grabe!
Litong na talaga ako!
hays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hindi ko alam kung anung uunahin.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta.
Hindi ko alam kung anung gagawin.
Tae naman e!
Bakit ba kung kelan inaakala kong ok na.
Saka naman hindi ok.

Ang Nawawalang Tadyang

Kagabi, habang ako'y inip na inip dahil sa haba ng gabi. Nagawa kong naitext ang isang kaibigan. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman sya talaga gusto katext kaya lang e,...talagang dumarating ang pagkakataong "no choice" ka at para lang lumipas ang oras ay kailangan mong makipagbolahan, plastikan o kung ano pa man sa isang tao. Ok,... masama na ko! Isa na akong dakilang manggagamit.


Habang katext ko sya, napunta ang usapan sa pakikipagrelasyon ng hindi sinasadya. Sa dami ba naman ng taong mapapagsabihan ko ng sitwasyon ko e sa kanya pa. Pakiramdam ko tuloy e desperada na akong may mahingian ng opinyon. Hindi ko naman nagawang ikwento sa kanya ang lahat, medyo nagbigay lang ako ng clue. hehehe, Salbahe talaga e!

Pero natuwa naman ako sa opinyon nya. Eto ang sinabi nya...

"Nasasaad sa bibliya na tungkulin ng mga babae na gumawa ng unang hakbang. Bahagi ng kanyang tungkulin ang hanapin ang nagmamay ari ng tadyang kung saan siya nagmula. Kaya ang masasabi ko lang, dapat gumawa ka rin ng paraan."


Napaisip ako, at nasabi ko sa sarili ko na may opinyon rin pala ang mokong na 'yon. Pero, bakit ko naman hahanapin ang tadyang kung saan ako nagmula? E bakit hindi yung may may ari ng tadyang ang maghanap sa tadyang nya? Sa madaling salita, hindi ako ang unang gagawa o kikilos para sa sitwasyon na 'to. Aba! malay ko kung kaya pala ako inalis sa katawan na yon dahil ibang tadyang ang mas aangkop?

Lecheng tadyang! Bakit naman kasi dito pa ko ikinumpara ng engot na yun! Hay... Matapos ng matagal kung pag mumuni muni. Mas minabuting kong I-ENJOY na lamang ang sitwasyong kinalalagyan ko sa ngayon. At bakit ba ako kelangang mag alala? Bakit ko ba kelangang isipin yon? Kung wala e di wala! Wala e. Isa sa mga bagay na natutunan ko e ang huwag nang ipagpilitan ang mga bagay bagay na hindi talaga nararapat. Kaya nga may kasabihan, kung hindi uukol, hindi bubukol. Minsan kahit wala ka pang ginagawa, kapag sayo talaga, sayo talaga.


Hindi ko kelangang mabahala.


Pinilit ko na rin matulog noon dahil malalim na ang gabi. Ang totoo, umaga na. Hay! Umaga na naman, sisikat na naman ang araw. Shit!

clutter everywhere

My bed. I really love these sheets. Kinda summer thingy. And ofcourse my teddy... I love this particular teddy, his always with me during bedtime. hugsss......

This is suppose to be my working table. So, as you can see, how can I suppose to work my things beyond this mess. hehehe...

This is my younger brother contibuting more clutter inside my room. See? An enough evidence that he's the one messing in my own space. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

This is what you called the War of Wires. Tangles are everywhere in this computer table. How can I manage to use the mouse and where the hell is the mouse pad? Gee... good thing I had a laptop. LOL!!!

family matters

After a day of staying in Manila, finally I am back again in our home in Laguna. Whew! The weather here isnt that fine. It's been raining all day. This afternoon, mom and I went to church to attend the mass. One of the usual thing that we do when I used to be a government employee in our place. I really prefer to hear the mass in the afternoon during weekdays. The less crowd, the more solemn it is for me to utter my petition. We bought flowers for my grandma. I always offer flowers for her, as requested. Hehehe,.. I still remember how she ask for some flowers to me in my dreams. I miss my grandma a lot, and I know mom is missing her too very much.

Rightnow, my family is facing a serious problem. I know that for a fact, eventhough mom didn't say anything about it. She's been having a sleepless night for the past few weeks. I guess its about time to do part. I told her my plans, although she's afraid about me, about the things that I'm gonna do. She cannot argue anymore because I think its the solution.

My sister can no longer provide for us this time. She's already having a hard time their in another country. Mom wants to go back to work, that only means, she will leave us again. Her work is also based abroad. But I insisted. I told her that I'm the one that should go. She should just look after my younger brother who is still in highschool. I have to do this this time. I have to do part. Honestly, I am her eldest daughter.

Here's the story, that sister of mine that I have known for 24 years is just my cousin. Her real mother is my mom's older sibling. She's a result of an early marriage. By that time, my mom is still going to college but already earning from her work. She took the responsibility of taking care of that kid which happens to be my sister now. When my dad marry my mom, he also accepted my sister and treated her as his own. So, by the time I came to the earth, I already had a sister. Unfortunately, my younger brother is the only person in the entire family who didn't know this. But who else cares? We're still related by blood, and she is still my sister. I was very fortunate to have her. Imagine, she took the all responsiblity and play the role that I should be portraying.

That's why I think is about time to do my part. I hope my plans will work out. I hope I am heading in the right direction. I'm just about to begin my journey. I'm just about to take few steps. Am I ready? I think so...